I heard the stories; we all have. "The Grifter is some sick shit, yo! It will drive you insane!" I just wish I had listened. I would not be in this padded cell in some city in a country I haven't even heard of, with the dude in the cell next to me saying, "I'm the holder of my cock!" every night.
I was in a shitty flea market in western Indiana when I found it: a really dusty VHS that said "The Grifter" on a cheap label. I asked the shopkeep the price, and he replied, "Tree fiddy." I was about to argue, since this was an obvious bootleg, and VHS tapes these days shouldn't cost more than fifty cents; when I realized that there was some strange, almost Jurassic quality flashing in this shopkeep's eyes. I said, "Fuck it. Here." After I paid him, I drove back to my house to watch it. Here my problems started.
I realized that I haven't had a goddamned VCR in 11 years, so I called my friends. Only one had one, and he was too busy jacking it to furry porn to let me come get it. After I hung up, wondering why I was friends with him in the first place, I decided to go to Walmart. I searched the electronics section for a VCR to no avail. I asked the store clerk if they had any. He looked at me like I was stupid, and said, "Sure. We keep them next to the dodo eggs and whale oil. Can I also interest you in a state of the art butter churn?"
After I had flipped him off and bitched to his manager, who promptly told me to, quote unquote, leave the store you fucking retard, I made a mental note to shit in a random aisle next time. I tried Big Lots, Target, and the local Pawn-4-Buze, but I still had no luck. This was really fucking pissing me off.
I finally went back to the flea market where I bought the fucking tape in the first place, and asked the same dickhead who had sold me the VHS if he had a VCR. To my delight, he said he did. I asked the price, and about shit when he told me: Six hundred fucking dollars. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "No," he replied. "Do you have any idea how hard these things are to find?" I had been saving up for a new PS4, so I had the cash, but I was still pissed at this turn of events.
Curiosity won out though, so I bought the ridiculously overpriced VCR. "No returns!" the shopkeeper yelled as I left. I paid him no attention. I was about to see the holy grail of /x/.It was finally lining up. Cthulhu had ftagned long enough.
I set everything up, and popped in the VHS. I saw the words, "The Grifter" in a spooky font. Then I heard a strange marimba beat start. The shopkeeper from the flea market appeared,and he started singing:
I don suffer, no be small
Upon say I get sense
Poverty no good at all, no
Na him make I join this business
419 no be thief, it's just a game
Everybody dey play am
If anybody fall mugu,
Ha, my brother I go chop am
National Airport na me get am
National Stadium na me build am
President na my sister brother
You be the mugu, I be the master
Oyinbo man I go chop your dollar
I go take your money and disappear
419 is just a game
You are the loser, I am the winner
The refinery na me get am
The contract, na you I go give am
But you go pay me small money make I bring am
You be the mugu, I be the master
Na me be the master oh
When Oyinbo play wayo
Dem go say na new style
When country man do him own
Them go dey shout
Bring am, kill am, die!
But Oyinbo people greedy (dem greedy)
I say them greedy (dem greedy)
I don't see them tire
That's why when they fall into my trap o
I dey show them fire
National Airport na me get am
National Stadium na me build am
President na my sister brother
You be the mugu, I be the master
Oyinbo man I go chop your dollar
I go take your money and disappear
419 is just a game
You are the loser, I am the winner
The refinery na me get am
The contract, na you I go give am
But you go pay me small money make I bring am
You be the mugu, I be the master
Na me be the master oh
I don suffer, no be small
Upon say I get sense
Poverty no good at all, no
Na him make I join this business
419 no be thief, it's just a game
Everybody dey play am
If anybody fall mugu,
Ha, my brother I go chop am.
Then it turned into a gay scat porn. I was so fucking pissed off, I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a padded room. They said I had started attacking random people with a hammer, and I was screaming, "WHO WAS PHONE MOTHERFUCKERS?! I'LL MAKE YOUR GODDAMNED SKELETONS JUMP OUT!"
Well, this fucking sucks.
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